Helping a Friend Who is Being Abused

Millions of women are physically abused by their husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners* each year. Chances are, someone you know – your mother, sister, friend, coworker or neighbor – is a victim of domestic violence. Perhaps you feel your friend’s** problem will work itself out. This is extremely unlikely. Violence in relationships usually continues and often gets worse over time if no action is taken to stop it. All intimate relationships have problems; sometimes it is difficult for others to decide when it is appropriate to intervene.

Possible Signs:

• Have you accepted her explanations for visible injuries, such as black eyes, bruises, or broken bones? Do you tend not to press her further about frequent “accidents” that cause her to miss work?
• Does her partner exert an unusual amount of control over her activities? Are you reluctant to discuss his control over family finances, the way she dresses, and her contact with friends and family?
• If her partner ridicules her publicly, do you ignore his behavior or join the laughter at her expense? Why are you unwilling to stand up for her? Do you sense the volatile nature of his comments?
• Have you noticed changes in her or her children’s behavior? Does she appear frightened or exhausted?

Maybe you feel like:

• I shouldn’t get involved in a private family matter. Domestic violence – also called spouse abuse, battering, or intimate partner violence – is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children, and the entire community.
• The violence can’t really be that serious. Domestic violence includes threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and usually escalates in frequency and severity. Even if the violence is “only” verbal, it can have seriously affect the victim’s health and well-being, so any act of domestic violence is something to take seriously. And domestic violence can be fatal. Every 5 days a Virginian is murdered by an intimate partner (Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, 2003).
• She must be doing something to provoke his violence. A victim of battering is never to blame for another person’s choice to use violence against her. Problems exist in any relationship, but the use of violence to resolve them is never acceptable.
• If it’s so bad, why doesn’t she just leave? For most of us, a decision to end a relationship is not easy. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. She may be financially dependent and in leaving she will likely face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources and social and justice systems may have been unhelpful to her in the past. Religious, cultural or family pressures may make her think it’s her duty to keep her marriage together. When she’s tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her. These are just some of the many compelling reasons that may keep a woman in an abusive relationship.
• Doesn’t she care about what’s happening to her children? Your friend is probably doing her best to protect her children from violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her and does not yet realize its effects on children. She may believe her children need a father, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or friends. She may fear that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.
• I know him – I really don’t think he could hurt anyone. Many abusers are not violent in other relationships and can be charming in social situations, yet be extremely violent in the privacy of the home.
• He must be sick. Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. An abuser’s experience as a child and the messages he gets from society tell him that violence is an easy way to get power and control over her partner’s behavior. Men who batter choose this behavior and viewing them as “sick” wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for it.
• I think he has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of violence? Alcohol or drug use may intensify violent behavior, but it does not cause battering. Men who batter typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.
• How can she still care for someone who abuses her? Chances are, the abuser is not always abusive. He may show remorse for his violence after it happens and promise to change. Your friend understandably hopes for such changes. Their relationship probably involves good times, bad times, and in-between times.
• If she wanted my help, she’d ask for it. Your friend may not feel comfortable confiding in you, feeling you may not understand her situation. Talk to her about battering in a general way. Tell her you’re concerned about women who get abused and that you do not blame women for violence.

What You Can Do:

• Lend a listening ear. Tell your friend that you care and are willing to listen. Don’t force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Never blame her for what is happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger. Focus on supporting her right to make her own decisions.
• Become Informed. Find out all the facts you can about domestic violence. Call the local program(s) in your area that assist victims of domestic violence. Look for books about domestic violence in your local library. Visit the Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance website at www.vsdvallliance.org and/or call the Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.838.8238 (v/tty) for more information.
• Guide her to community services. Gather information about domestic violence programs in your area. These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information, and other needed services. If your friend asks for advice on what she should do, share the information you’ve gathered with her privately. Let her know she is not alone and people are available to help her. Encourage her to seek the assistance of domestic violence advocates. Assure her that they will keep information about her confidential. Many battered women first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists or members of the clergy. Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of domestic violence. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, encourage her to look elsewhere.
• Focus on her strengths. Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse. Your friend is probably continually told by the abuser that she is a bad woman, a bad wife, or a bad mother. She may believe she can’t do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her. Give her emotional support to believe she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.
• If she decides to leave. Help your friend make a plan to be safe. She may want to call a local domestic violence hotline. Domestic violence programs can help her look at her options and make a plan to be as safe as possible. Battered women usually face the greatest risk when they try to leave their abusive relationships. If the batterer feels he has lost control, he may become very dangerous.
• Help her find a safe place. If your friend decides to leave, a domestic violence shelter may be the safest place to go. Unfortunately shelters sometimes don’t have enough room for all the women and children who need their help. Your friend may need to rely on family and friends for temporary housing.

* This document focuses on violence against women in heterosexual relationships, but violence can occur in any relationship, including gay and lesbian relationships.

** This material uses the term “friend,” but the information provided is also useful to family members, neighbors and coworkers of battered women.

This document has been adapted several times by several organizations and originated with: “Helping The Battered Woman, A Guide For Family And Friends,” a 1989 publication of the National Woman Abuse Prevention Project.