Help Yourself Stay Safe
If You Stay

If you are living in an abusive relationship and are not ready to leave, you must keep yourself and your children safe. Whatever your reasons for staying, you do not deserve to be abused. If you decide to stay with your partner and work things out, seek outside help. Talk to a counselor who does not blame you for the abuse, and who puts your safety first.

Contact your local domestic violence program, public health nurse, urgent care or hospital to get recommendations for counseling for you first. You can ask about couple’s counseling as an option later if this is something you want to try.

Prepare a safety plan

• Have a safe place to go.
• Call people in advance and tell them that you are coming over, so they can watch for you.
• Be aware of any weapons in the house.
• Make a plan about what to do and where to go if you are in danger. Tell your children of your plan if they are old enough to understand how to follow directions.
• If you have a vehicle, make sure it has gasoline.
• Try to keep your vehicle in good repair so it won’t break down on you.
• Keep an extra set of keys in a secret hiding place.
• Always keep some money hidden to help you get away.
• Keep a list of important phone numbers in the hiding place with your money.
• Work out a code word that can be used on the phone with someone you trust if you are in danger.
• Have a signal. This can be flashing your lights if it is nighttime, hanging something unusual out your window where a neighbor can see, or any other attention-getting action. Discuss your signal with others who are likely to see it.

Save Money

Save whatever money you can in a bank account that is in your name only. Keep the bankbook in a safe place where your partner won’t find it. Many women are surprised at how quickly and suddenly they can be in an emergency situation. Try to save from the grocery money or however you can (if you don’t have any other sources of income). Knowing that you have an emergency fund will help decrease your anxiety.

Pregnancy

Do not get pregnant if you think that your relationship is not good and may become more abusive. Make sure you control your birth control method and that your birth control method works. Your partner may abuse you even more when you are pregnant and after you give birth. Pregnancy could also make it harder for you to leave. If you become pregnant and you don’t want to be, get counseling to discuss your options. If you are already pregnant, you can still follow these other safety measures.

Secrets are harmful

Don’t be ashamed to discuss your problems with others who believe abuse is wrong. You need support. There are still many people who believe, wrongly, that it’s okay for a man to abuse his partner (or vice verso) and that abuse is the non-abusive partner’s fault. Carefully choose the people with whom you talk.

You are not responsible for your partner’s behavior

Remember that your partner’s behavior is not your responsibility. Do not be ashamed to tell someoneif you are being abused. It is not your fault. If your partner abuses you, your partner has a problem. Encourage your partner to get help (but remember your partner must also want to change his/her behavior).

If you feel something is wrong, it is smart to ask for help. It does not mean you are weak, sick or stupid if you ask for help. You are doing something positive for yourself.

Stand up for yourself . . .

If the abuse is just starting, tell your partner you will stand up for yourself and your rights and that you will not let him/her abuse you. If possible, ask your partner’s family as well as your own to tell him/her this behavior is not okay.

. . . But be careful

If your partner is getting his/her own way, and you give in, the abuse may become worse if you try to stand up for yourself. If you are afraid this may happen, try to get support from family or counselors before you make a stand. Do not try it when you are alone with your partner. Make sure you have a safe place to go if you need one. Be prepared to take the step of leaving your partner in order to be free from the abuse.

Suicide is not the answer

It is normal to feel depressed at this time of your life. Many people have the feeling that suicide is the only real option. Killing yourself may feel like the best escape. It is not.

If you feel suicidal, it’s often the result of believing your partner’s put-downs, denying your anger toward your partner, and turning that anger on yourself.

There are other options. There are shelters. There are crisis hotlines. There are people who will help you if you reach out to them. If you do not find help at first, keep looking and asking for help. You have the right to be angry at your situation. The feelings you are having are yours and it is alright to feel them. Use your anger, sadness, fear, or whatever feelings you have to begin taking care of yourself.

Faith and trust in you are important to feeling good about yourself. Face your feelings and fears. Praise yourself for what you do well. Have faith in your future. You can learn from your experiences. You can change your life.

Relax and play

Find something you like to do for yourself. You deserve to have some happiness and fun in your life. You are worth it!

Eat well and regularly

Your physical health affects the way you feel and your ability to cope with stress. By giving your body healthy foods, you will feel stronger and be able to think more clearly.

Exercise

Physical activity can help you have a better sense of well being. Regular, fun exercise done with others is best.

Beware of pills, alcohol and drugs

Some people are given pills to calm their nerves, or they try to escape from pain and anxiety by drinking too much or by taking drugs. This will not help in the long run. It keeps you helpless, because you can’t think as clearly. You lose energy that could be used to do something more constructive for yourself.

Gain job skills

If you have job skills it will be easier to be independent. If you need to develop job skills or to upgrade ones you already have, do it as soon as possible. Consider a correspondence course. Your nearest library can help point you in the right direction. This way you will be prepared even if you can’t get a job or do not want one right now.

Volunteer work is another way to help you develop more skills. It will introduce you to people and keep you from being isolated.

Look after yourself

You are a strong person. You can grow even stronger. When you know you can not make it on your own, the choice is yours whether to stay in the relationship or not.

If you leave your home . . .

The most important thing is to make sure you and your children are safe. Do not leave your children unless you have to go very quickly. This is very important for future custody disputes. If you have to leave them for a short time, go back and get them as soon as possible. Get a police escort if you are afraid that you will be hurt when you return. But remember that the police cannot decide who will be able to keep the children.

What to take with you . . .

• Any legal documents, such as a deed, mortgage, or lease.
• Keys for the home, car, safety deposit box.
• I.D., including birth certificates for you and your children, health insurance cards, social security cards, driver’s license, marriage license, immigration and citizenship papers, and passports.
• Bank books, credit cards
• Medications
• Children’s feeding bottles, diapers, clothes, favorite toys and blankets. If possible, have everything packed and within easy reach, or have the police wait for you while you get them together.

Where can you go?

• The best option if you are not safe is to call 911. The police can help you get to a safe place.
• If you are hurt or scared and decide not to call the police, to the hospital on your own. Try to always see the doctor without your partner. Tell the doctor what happened so that you have written evidence in case you need it in the future.
• You can go to a friend’s, relative’s, or neighbor’s house.
• You can go to a domestic violence shelter. If you need transportation, some shelters can help to arrange this.

  * A shelter is a safe place to rest and plan your future.

  “It felt wonderful to be safe behind those shelter doors, and I felt so much better about myself when I found out that I wasn’t the only one who had these problems.”

  * The shelter can keep you for one night to several weeks. Some have longer programs and transitional housing. Shelters are free and open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You will meet other people who have been in similar situations.

  * Shelters will provide emergency assistance to men who are being abused by helping them find a safe place to stay, usually a hotel or safe house.

  * Even if you don’t plan to leave your home right now, you can call a shelter just to talk.

You are strong

Remind yourself daily, or several times a day that you are strong. No one has the right to abuse you. Violence is not a private family affair. There is no excuse for abuse.

For more information, contact:

Virginia Family Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.838.8238

Adopted from: Help Yourself Stay Safe if you Stay
Community Action on Violence Against Women
YWCA of Canada, Toronto, ON 1993